ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
