Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
