I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
