I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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