Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
