the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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