U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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