so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Even my vagina gasped.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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