Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My life is pants optional.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
