I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize