You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
