and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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