We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
