I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
