the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
