I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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