It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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