He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
