I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
