i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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