Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
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