And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
