i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
