Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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