piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
