Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
