The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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