Who wears a wallet chain?!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
