afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
