I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i drank out of a bidet.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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