There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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