How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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