Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize