I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
