this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
