I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
