first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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