just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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