If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
