last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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