Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
