I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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