My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Randomize
