I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
