Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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