I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
