Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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