You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
