you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
