she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
