Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize