Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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