Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
