New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
