I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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